The thing about writing–a comment, a letter, an article–is that you have to think. Think about what to say and how to say it and who to say it to. And why. You definitely have to think about the why. Sometimes you must think about rules and protocol, and in addition, you wonder if what you say might seem obtuse or be taken the wrong way. Like it or not, writing requires thought. Thinking also involves quietness–a place of calm and serenity where thoughts can dance together and come out in strings of story or pearls of wisdom.
Today, and for a while now, writing has been difficult for me. I am not tired of doing it, nor do I think it a small thing to accomplish it, but it eludes me. I don’t understand why it is hard now, but I think I will blame it on having MS. I have blamed many other things on my condition, and it is not beneath me to use that excuse to benefit myself. Like the time I was walking on the beach in the Outer Banks and a beach patrol said he was giving me a ticket because I was parked in the wrong spot on the sand. Having MS certainly came in handy then—especially when I cried and carried on that I might not be able to walk the beach next year. Because I did it all in a Lucy Ricardo sort of way, I saved myself a lot of money that day, and I have the emotional swing of MS to thank for it.
Sometimes I can’t write because there is just too much to say. The explanations get wordy and need so many rewrites and edits. My thoughts get jumbled and the sentences get scrambled. I get like that with speaking once in a while too. If a story or situation is too complex, I might not venture the telling. Maybe there will be parts that need expounding or maybe I’ll lose my train of thought. Or perhaps I will be too tired. I can certainly blame that on MS!
So now the new year has come. As sure as the ball drops, January brings talk about resolutions. All the conversation—will you? won’t you?—is waning. In the weeks of watching and listening, I’ve noticed that those who DO make resolutions seem to be the go-getters who aren’t daunted by the challenges of changing. They are also the kind of people who don’t care about failing to keep a resolution; it seems to be the trying that matters. Then there are those who DO NOT make resolutions. The most common reason given for that choice is that the resolutions will only be broken. I think that’s a bit defeatist from the start, and that kind of attitude bothers me. I suppose it’s because I find status quo unbearable. Either that, or the non-resolutionists are perfect and don’t need to change. That irks me too. I thought it was intrinsic that everyone has an inner striving to be better. Apparently, I am not right all the time! And to make matters worse, my percentages of being right are falling fast. Can I blame that on MS? I think I can, so I will!
By the way, I am a resolution-maker. MS hasn’t changed that, but it has probably helped seal the deal. Is that another thing to blame on MS? Absolutely!